The Uncertainty

 Let’s see where this is going… because I need to get some things off my head.

15:40 8/7/2024

It’s been a day since we last met.
Oh wait… let’s start from the beginning.

I think it’s usual for a guy, a newly “adult” to be a little… umm, excited? (no, that’s not it)... to simply be interested in meeting new girls, having in mind that there’s maybe any chance of a relationship in the future. Of course I’m aware that I will most probably be the youngest in this program but I thought a small gap of age wouldn’t be any problem.
That’s it… let’s skip this part because it’s just mostly a regular interaction most of the time… while I’m trying to set a professional mindset and resisting stupid and immature thoughts about girls and relays especially with someone you just met.

And then, and then, and then…
A week passed by, I got to know a lot about you. Your background, interest, personality…


For now, let’s skip this part too for the reason; I can’t think of good ways to tell and I wanted to focus on more of my monologue at this moment.


Yeah, I know I joke a lot about relationships, getting a gf, all that stupid stuff but there’s also some part of me that wanted to change. It has always been like that. And now the feeling’s  gotten stronger… might be because spending a week on this program really changed a lot of my perspective. Surrounded by positive and inspiring adults and a supporting circle helps me grow and improves myself without me realising it.  Meeting new people with different backgrounds but having something in common, a dedication and passion to try new things and serving others as well as committed to do community work; something that not everyone is capable of doing so or being interested in.

And that includes you. How I see the way you are… a normal woman, nice and hardworking. Doing casual stuff with moderate social life. Having quite a solid career and financial (judging how you manage to take a career break and joining this program with most likely your own money). The fact that you are older than me… having much more experiences and has been going through a lot more than me while I’m still mentah. You surely are much more mature than me, being responsible for yourself and living life on your own. It’s great that I can talk to you even so, you’re quite cool… and sweet too. The overall interaction is casual but also meaningful.
… at least to me

Then I get to know that you read books. Not just books… classical literature. Of course, I never read them… I'm just being an avid book reader but easily distracted and procrastinating that I couldn’t find time to read in the meantime.

But am I interested in someone that has an interest like that? Definitely! 
Do I wanna try it too? Of course
Also it’s amazing and very nice to know that you enjoy coffee too (gonna try out OldTown White Coffee cane sugar, the one you suggest and perhaps your favourite) and even watch sitcoms too! Friends and Modern Family… we do have a few common interests.
Moreover, bonus points for being anak sulung and pretty good in drawing too (she’s an architect so, duh).

Do I still have to talk about physical attractiveness after stating all of the above.. because she’s definitely even more amazing in that. Sweet and kind face although I’ve never seen that kind of tudung style before. But the most mesmerising part is when she’s in the pink sweater and red kain batik with black shawl, sitting on the wooden floor, gently weaving daun mengkuang to make a traditional basket while that beautiful smile carved on that face. I’ll never forget that night…

It’s not the kind of crush that makes you have butterflies in your stomach, or makes your heart race, or your eyes sparkling when you look at her. It simply got you thinking that… well, I just need to be a better person to be worthy of her… or at least someone like her. It got me thinking, maybe I just don’t want to fool around anymore.

It just gets you calm and don’t wanna feel like rushing into anything. I don’t know… maybe it’s stupid to think this way but that’s just the truth. You realised that you need to get a hold on yourself and improve yourself. Need to level up to match her level of maturity. Sort of like that…

Your heart didn’t feel heavy… nor did it make you think too much about it. Maybe the fact that I need to write this proves otherwise but I just hope that there’s at least a slight chance that it can go on the way that we never expected.  And you know there is something special when it makes you think of… and consider a very extraordinary solution when

You turn back to God.

You remembered that jodoh has already been written a long time ago. You pray to have a healthy but bounded relationship with her and hope that it could be maintained until one day… if everything works out fine, something could happen. Or at least for now, give me strength to become a better person, a good heart and a good soul… a humble and loyal servant to Himself, not only for yourself but for the greater good. For…

Is it delusional? Maybe
But is it a bad thing?

… no.
Not at all. This is the right way supposedly. Anything is possible when you put your trust in Him. That's what it is for now. He’s the best planner.. He always does.
Just don’t think too much for now…your goal should be to p̶e̶r̶f̶e̶c̶t̶i̶n̶g̶  improving yourself in the near future.

Yes, you’re still young, not even in uni yet. There’s a long journey to go and you have a plan for yourself too. Love alone is not enough… social life and mutual values are important for the longevity of a relationship. And it’s almost irrelevant to be talking about this.

But this is really just how I feel… for now. 


18:03

And right now at this moment, I get a chance to meet her tonight…

18:06

Yeah well, it’s a rollercoaster of emotion. I can’t go.. Newbie starts at 6 pm… which is now.
(sad face)


At least I get to keep in touch with her :)